The first thing you’ll want to do is make accommodations for your wife. – after all, she is the one that is ‘technically’ pregnant. Your role is to porter, cater, humor, and above all, take the blame when things go awry. After all, you are responsible for this predicament.
The first and last part of the adventure is the travel. Plan ahead and maybe you’ll avoid a frantic, mad dash through the airport to catch a flight. I still remember catching a flight out of La Guardia. A second-tri-mester, suitcase-laden, pregnant sprinter is quite a spectacle , but not one you want chasing you.
When you allot travel time, plan on plenty of bladder breaks. On average, one every twenty to thirty minutes can be expected, but understand that they will not be spaced predictably. When you choose routes, steer around those that take you past pastry vendors, hot dog stands, taco carts, vending machines, or any other place that hints of food. Finally, allow for two meltdown/recovery cycles – one for you , and one for her. Of course, if you need to cut one out, yours is gone.
Throughout the trip, remain vigilant and divert all conversations around any discussion of shapes. The “W” words – waddle, walrus, weight, and Winnebago – are to be avoided at all costs. They often prompt unanticipated emotional outbursts. Always agree with her, but not too much. Prepare yourself for travelers, taxi drivers and panhandlers that want to share their own stories of pregnancy and child-rearing. Your wife’s condition is an open invitation for social discourse with people with whom you would not normally interact.
When you arrive at your destination, be prepared for the mother-to-be’s exhaustion/hyper energy cycles. They will consistently be one-hundred, eighty degrees out of phase with your own. She’ll be past exhaustion at one moment, and ready for a shopping and sight-seeing bonanza the next. You must try to keep up. And don’t complain or feel sorry for yourself. Remember, you are to blame.
Dispense with any ideas of physical romance, you dog. After all, it was that behavior that got you both in this condition in the first place. On the other hand, if she feels amorous, don’t defer or you risk triggering one of those awful, I’m fat and ugly, moments of despair and self-pity.
You can enjoy this vacation, but you must first abandon all past memories of wild and spontaneous road trips. Think of this trip as a mad-cap adventure with an assortment of companions – an annoying little sister, a serene Madonna, a slightly demented grandmother, and a competitive eater in training – all rolled into one.